It's Joke time (Rated PG-18)

[turbulence]

CRAP!
A guy goes to the doctor and says, "Hello, I would like to be castrated."(to remove genital parts)

"That's a lifechanging operation," says the doctor. "Are you sure you want to do it?"

"yes," says the man. "and if you refuse I'll go to another doctor."

"OK," says the doctor, "but it's against my advice."



So the man has his operation and he's walking around the hospital the next day with a bandage around his private area. Suddenly, he sees another man with the same thing. So he walks up to him and says, "Good afternoon, I see we got the same operation."

"Yes," says the other man, looking happy. "I've been wanting to get circumsized for 37 years, and I've finally done it."

The first man looks panicked and says, "Shit!! That's the word!"

 

[turbulence]

Tiger Woods
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

 

[turbulence]

Two men are golfing when they get finished with their hole and go to the next they wait for the two women in front of them. The women are taking soo long that one of the men decide to go ask what is taking so long. The man gets half way to the women turns around and comes back. The other man asks why did you come back the man replys...that is my wife and my mistress. So the men wait a little longer and get tired so the other man says he is going to go see what is taking so long. The man gets half way there turns around and comes back. The other man asks why did you come back. The man replys small world!!

 

[turbulence]

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long,
grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much
as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful,
and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old
man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion.
He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large
rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."
"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked
over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In
a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped
out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

 

[turbulence]

A women went to the doctor and said "I broke my leg in two places." The Doctor says, "Stop going to those places.

 

[turbulence]

Question: why did the blonde jump out the window?

Answer: to see if her ultra pantyliner with WINGS could fly!

 

[turbulence]

3 Guys get stranded on a island. While they're there, they meet 2 cannibals. The cannibals take them to their leader. The leader says that if they can find 10 of a fruit or berry or whatever and stick them up their butt without making a face, they can live. Otherwise their head will be cut off.

The 1st guy comes back with what looks like apples. He gets to 4 and makes a pained face. He gets his head cut off and he goes to Heaven. The 2nd guy comes back with berries and gets to 9 and laughs. He gets his head cut off and he, too, goes to Heaven.

The 1st and 2nd guy meet up in Heaven and the first guy asks the other guy why he laughed. He had berries he could have lived. The second guy replies, 'I saw the 3rd guy coming back with pineapples!!!

 

[turbulence]

A blonde decides to commit suicide by hanging herself so she goes to the park and....2 days later a man is walking in the park and sees the blonde hanging on by a rope tied to her stomach. So he says "Ain't that supposed to be around your neck". And the blonde says "I tried that, but I couldn't breathe.

 

[turbulence]

Hunting Safari
An American, an English and a German hunter are sitting in a beer round bragging about their hunting trophies from a recent hunting trip to Africa. The American states proudly: "I've killed an elephant". The English guy brags "That's nothing! I've killed 3 lions!" Then the German guy says proudly "Geez, you guys are lame! I've shot about 200 noplease!! The American and English guys look at each other: "What the hell are noplease??!" The German: "They're these black things on 2 legs that always hide in the bushes and scream "NoPlease!!"

 

[turbulence]

Ping Pong Balls
Three men wanted to mary the same woman. She couldn't decide. So She decided to come up with a fun way. "Whoever brings me the most ping-pong balls, that's who I'll mary." One week goes by, and the first man comes up with a dump-truck full of ping-pong balls. She's impressed. Another week goes by, and another man comes back with a freight train full of ping-pong balls. She's verry impressed. She waits for the 3rd man. Finally, he comes back after six months. He's beat up. He's got a black eye, and he's covered with bruises and splattered with blood. He's carring a trash-bag. The lady says, "Sorry man, it doesn't look like you have enough ping-pong balls in that bag." He exclaims, "Ping-pong balls? I thought you said King Kong's balls!"

 

[turbulence]

The Elevator
A redneck family goes to the mall. They have no idea of the city. The father sees an elevator. He and his family are fascinated, so they watch as an old lady goes up to the elevator,, pushes the button and walks inside. Thirty seconds later, a yung beautiful blond lady comes out. The father says, "I'm going back home and getting Grandma."

 

[rich_havens]

Son of a Bitch Fish





SON OF A BITCH FISH!



The parish priest went on a fishing trip.

On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!"

"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"

"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!"

"Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"

Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.

"Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen."

"Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?"

"Why, eat it! Of course You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!"

Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.

While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.
"Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"

Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"

"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!"

"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?"

Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.

"I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch," she said.

As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.

"What are you doing Sister?"

"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's Dinner."

"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"

"No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch Fish."

"Really? Well in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course!"

"Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Sonof a Bitch."

On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal.

The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.

The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"


"I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.


"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister.


The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch using a special recipe!"


The new Bishop looked around at each of them.


A big smile crept across his face as he said,


"You Fuckers are my kind of people!"

 

[turbulence]

Girls night out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

 

[turbulence]

Mga pafi and masters share niyo naman mga joke niyo... tanx tanx tanx

 

[turbulence]

Son of a Bitch Fish





SON OF A BITCH FISH!



The parish priest went on a fishing trip.

On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!"

"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"

"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!"

"Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"

Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.

"Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen."

"Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?"

"Why, eat it! Of course You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!"

Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.

While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.
"Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"

Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"

"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!"

"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?"

Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.

"I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch," she said.

As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.

"What are you doing Sister?"

"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's Dinner."

"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"

"No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch Fish."

"Really? Well in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course!"

"Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Sonof a Bitch."

On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal.

The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.

The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"


"I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.


"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister.


The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch using a special recipe!"


The new Bishop looked around at each of them.


A big smile crept across his face as he said,


"You Fuckers are my kind of people!"

Nice one bro. right up to the cheeks. hehehe.

 

[turbulence]

Mahilig sa imported

In the hospital

Husband: (Balikbayan) Honey, bakit mukhang Amerkano ‘tong anak natin, wala naman sa lahi natin ito a.

Wife: Di ba Hon,mahilig ka sa imported. Iyong mga kotse natin, German made. Iyong appliances natin halos mga Japan made. E, iyong jewelries naman natin, mostly mga European made. Kaya itong baby natin, may pagka American made.

 

[turbulence]

Napakasikip

In the bed:

Babae: Dahan-dahan lang, ang bilis mo naman.

Lalaki: Bakit ang hirap napakasikip ng ano mo. Wow! virgin ka pa ata a.

Babae: E, di mo kasi hinubad iyong stocking ko.

 

[turbulence]

Attempted Rape

At Police Station:

Dalaga: Sir, kakasuhan ko po iyong kapitbahay kong si Toto pogi.

Police: Ano ang isasampang kaso mo sa kanya.

Dalaga: Attempted rape po Sir.

Police: E, Baka puedeng maayos niyong dalawa iyan, total di naman natuloy iyong rape.

Dalaga: Kaya nga nagdedemanda ako Sir, dahil di pa niya itinuloy.

 

[turbulence]

The psychiatrist and the patient

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I HAVE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE HIDING UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A PSYCHIATRIST AND TOLD HIM :

‘I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy..’

‘Just put yourself in my hands for one year,’ said the psychiatrist. ‘Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..’

‘How much do you charge?’

‘Eighty dollars per visit,’ replied the doctor.

‘I’ll sleep on it,’ I said.

Six months later the psychiatrist met me on the street.

‘Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?’ he asked.

‘Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!’

‘Is that so ?!’ With a bit of annoyance he said, ‘and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?’

‘He told me to cut the legs off the bed! – There is nobody under it now !!!

 

[turbulence]

Ulianin na!

May dalawang mag-asawa na ulianin. Marami na silang nakakalimutan kaya nagpunta sila sa doktor. . .

Doktor : Wala naman pong problema sa inyo. Ang gawin n’yo nalang, isulat nyo kung anong gusto n’yo matandaan.

Mag-Asawa : Thank you po!

Pagdating sa bahay. . .

Babae : Paki kuha naman ako ng ice cream.

Lalaki : O sige!

Babae : Isulat mo para hindi mo makalimutan.

Lalaki : Ano ka? Matatandaan ko yun! Kailangan mo ng ice cream!

Babae : Tapos gusto ko ng strawberry toppings. O, siguro naman susulat mo na para matandaan mo.

Lalaki : Ay naku! Matatandaan ko yun! Kailangan mo ng ice cream na may strawberry toppings!

Babae : O sige. Ay oo nga pala! Gusto ko ng whip cream kasama sa ice cream. O ano? Susulat mo na ba?

Lalaki :Hindi! Matatandaan ko yun! Kailangan mo ng ice cream na may strawberry toppings na may kasamang whip cream!

Tapos pagbalik ng lalaki sa kwarto nila. . .

Babae : Bakit dinalan mo ako ng bacon at itlog? Nasaan na yung tinapay ko?